Condolesco Amatorius.

Translation: Pain of loving.
Situation: Heartbroken and in denial.
Feeling: Unwanted and deprived of care.
Reason: Left by special Someone.
Result: Will not sleep for whole night; thinking of Person.
Action to be taken: Nothing.

I never knew things could get this complicated. I'm a good person, no matter how I act on the outside. My intentions are usually good. I don't deserve this. Person doesn't deserve me. I wish I didn't get that fateful Friendster message. Person is going to Beijing to sit for entrance exam for a university. Person is smart. I am not. I cannot chase person in Beijing. I will have to let Person go because I care for Person. I feel so played. Even though I'm not. Person promised an SMS a minute before offlining. I have not recieve one as of yet. Why do I keep feeling so bad? Like wanting to throw up or biting something in half. I feel so strange inside. It's a crush. That's all it is. A simple juvenile crush. Which is actually hurting me. I used to like it, now I don't. I only wish I could just forget about this relationship like the others. Hoping this would turn around for the better. But I need to face the facts. Once you leave for your dream career, you'll be too busy to even come online like you promise you would. I never liked your promises. They're always broken. I can't seem to glue them back together to make things seem better. I'm trapped.

And I still like you.

I have turned emo. Am hoping I have no potential suicidal tendencies like I would think. Touch wood. I sort of enjoy liking you. It just gives me something to look forward to everyday. You're really something special. Everyone I love is special. But that doesn't hide the fact you still hurt me. Does this mean I'm spoilt? I only ask for so little. Why do I have to be the one who SMSs first. Why do you only call when you sense trouble. I don't like you. But I can't hate you. Why? This is weird. I'm weird. My friends think I'm weird. Or that's what I think.

You must have someone. You probably do already. I'm paranoid, so what. I have reason to. You've changed so much since last December. Your excuse? I can't be like that all the time. You haven't been like that for 2 months. What's your problem? What's my problem? I don't know. You never tell me. It's always a change of topic. I'm supposed to forget about you. But I had a hard time forgetting the previous. Now we're just friends. And I'm fated to never fall in love with friends. I'm on a downward spiral to being single and depressed. Thank you for everything.

I'm not angry. Just don't like this feeling. It's so messy. I'm so messed up. All because I like you.

I like you.
I like you.
I like you.
I like you.
I like you.
I like you.
I like you.
I like you.
I like you.
I like you.....

And I hate myself for it.
Please don't forget me when you leave.
Don't be the person who hurt you first.
Would you want me to feel the same as you did?
I don't know your answer.
But I hope you don't.

You say I should find someone else. At least I would be happier. I don't know if I would be. Or if I would find someone else like you. Neither do I want anyone else. I want you. Only you. You get me? I keep your history notes that you sent near me. I can't bear to read them as you keep irritatingly ask me to. I just can't concentrate having something from you so near me. Because I know I won't have anything else. I'll miss you when you go. Very much so that I will never forget your cute nerdy voice, your clumsy english and irresistability.

Good night.