You Won, So What? It Was Just The Flair.

Went to SMK Agama.
Debate finals between my school, SMK St. Joseph, and SMK Chung Hua.
SMK Chung Hua won.
Their points were repetitive.
Did not make sense in the long run.
They were all 1 year senior to our debateurs.
They sent putrid glances.
I feel disgusted.
Judges suck.
They should burn in hell because they don't even know the rules.
Burn and die, ugly fugly bugly judges.

Die.

I Only Feel... Empty. Only Empty...

Why is it that everytime I try to make it better, it gets worse in some other way. Is it so hard to get some attention? I seriously need to find someone else. I don't care if he reads this, it's obvious I should. If he won't give me attention, I'll find someone else who will. Why do I have to be the one who cares where he goes or what he's doing, when he doesn't even give a crap about me? Because I like him. That's why. And I effing hate it.

He's either going to Beijing or the U.S. pretty soon. I don't know what I can do about it, because there's nothing to think about, it's his education. He promised to meet before going off, but I think that's just a load of bullsh*t, coming from him. I should probably give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to anymore. Expectation will surely manifest itself to disappointment. It happened before. Many times. But I just keep hanging on. Stupidly.

'Beautiful Pretender'. Very directly suits him I guess. Even drinking water I think of him. The late phone calls at night, the embarassingly cute MMS', his nudges on MSN, gosh, how it makes me sound so homo, yet I don't care. I miss those times, and I know there is no chance of it happening again. December will be the month I will treasure compared to any other time of the year, even my birthday in May. How much am I putting on the betting table, knowing full well I'm going to make a 100% confirmed loss? Alot.

He says I should stop taking this to heart. How can I not? He can't say he hasn't felt this before. No one can. It's just a feeling that you think there's a little bit more left, something to save the relationship before it disappears, just like that. To put it plainly, you want to hang on as long as you can, even though it hurts, just as a way to make you think you don't want to regret losing what you already have, even if it's really nothing much. Hanging on. Just to feel something when there's nothing else to feel.

Read an article about self-mutilation yesterday in the newspaper, so-called hurting one's self. I can totally relate to one of the lines in the reasons why they hurt themselves; they rather feel hurt on the outside than the inside. I'm not saying I want to slit my wrist or anything, though it seems like a good reason for attention, but I'm not that kind of person, I can't even stand the sight of blood.

I need someone else in my life. Someone else to talk to about these things. Yet I don't want to feel for another person the way I feel for this one. Too troublesome. And I don't want to feel bad ever again. Damn *sshole. Rargghhh. Sh*tty ppl die.

So emo. So emo. So emo. I'm turning emo. It's disgusting and stupid. Rawrrrr.

I don't feel like posting anymore. Damn idiot. I hope he falls into the toilet. ...but doesn't hurt himself... ARGH. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT. Y

Of Chicken Wings and Carwashes.

Kind of tired right now. This morning had a preffie thingie with the juniors to raise money for seniors to go to KL. Yes, we are still defiant. I must go I mean, we must go. Because KL is nice and has many things to see.

I just want to go to see him...

...ANYWAY, we raised around RM1500+ or something around that figure, not that bad, can probably put 7-8 preffies through to the aeroplane. I had the job of frying chicken wings with Lydia and Sharon. They were okay in the earnings, the profit was acceptional, considering our capital was RM100. Raised RM300+ on chicken wings on the second bag. The figure raised on the first bag remains unknown due to the fact the money bags were emptied into the overall money box.

Qhadzrool sold burgers 2 days in a row, today and yesterday. Their earnings were good too I guess, but all in all, the earnings were enough to cover the cost and still have enough left over for the preffie fund. Kind of happy about that. Finally something we did right.

After a little frying for a few hours, Lydia and I decided to ditch the oily job for something more 'cleaner'. Or so it seemed. I got wet by Miss Annie of the school band. She's so random and, how shall I say it, full of surprises? Me thinks that's the reason the band took her to be their teacher in charge. We washed her car for RM10 and 4 other small cars for the same price. We raised RM100 from the carwash after being paid RM50 for washing Mr. Marcus' car. Mind you, it was a Land Cruiser. Huge. It had all these black spot things that seemed like tar or bug crap. We also had a problem with the hose and water supply. But all in all, I guess we earned the money for the effort we put in.

I hope we get to go to KL. I really do.

:(

Tennis Is Sexy.

I'm going to be playing with Kristine, Belinda and Yong Kian Lik at the tennis court this coming Wednesday. Can't wait. I seem like such a damn noob all of a sudden. Hmm.

Just looking at the racquets make me all tingly inside. As I can remember, I used to play 8-9 years ago and was quite exceptional considering I could whack back a tennis ball served by adults(my parents). I lost alot of weight that time. We played once a week for a few months, till my mom's membership got terminated by her b*tch friend who thought her husband was cheating on her for my mom. So paranoid. If she's ugly, use that as an excuse la, now Marriot hotel, once Rihga, expects RM2000 as a deposit for membership. We don't have that kind of money NOW. That b*tch.

Anyways, we'll be having private coaching I suppose, and we don't know who the coach is. I just hope he's not very bossy and fat at the same time, like Mr. Patrick 'Starfish'.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, there was a kebaibaian of Miss Catherine as she is going to retire. I'm 16, coming to 17 mind you, and she was 40 when I was born, meaning she's 56 this year. Dotz. I know what you're thinking. Anyways, the whole assembly was hosted by the prefects, juniors and seniors. It went okay, but the whole thing was laggy as usual. Didn't manage to complete everything.

I just got a text message from Theresa a while ago, saying that all prefects must be present in school from morning till 8pm in the evening. I was so damn shocked. What is the itinerary that makes us have to stay till that late? I doubt many of our parents would let us. And I'm effing frying chicken wings tomorrow. My beautiful pimpless(note: pimpLESS) face... I hope my pores don't get clogged up. Oh, I sound so gay there. What? WHAT?

Anyways, I think I want to stop now, this posting thing is so damn tedious. Duh.

Oh My God.

When I thought life coulden't get more worse, THIS had to happen. I have so many damn flaws. Squinty China eyes, thin upper lip, four wide frontal teeth, oddly shaped nose, and weird hair. This is my senior photo for the school magazine at the end of the year. I think I look a little femme. Great. Just great. I will never be super ultra sexy hawt. :( Another reason for suicide. Hurray.

Just looking at the picture make me look depressed, even if it has already been edited. God, squinty eyes? RECESSIVE ALLELE PLZ. Argh!! It's all my dad's fault. Why did HE have to get 'mata sepet'? Grr. Waste of my mom's genes. Waste waste waste. So waste.

What's more, I don't have either brain. Their level of common sense is just too much it's so damn annoying. Zzzz.

DAMN CHINA EYES!!!!!

Finally, More Pictures.

I suppose you might be surprised there's actually some colour in this latest post. I'm amazed I'm not lazy to take picture's from Ko. Hah. Anyways, here's a picture of my team mates and me during the science fair.

As you can see, or not, from the left is Kristine, Belinda, Lydia, and Me. The picture is kind of edited, because we had flaws. Who doesn't? Kristine had the most anyway, her face had spots everwhere. Oops. :x

I was not very happy at the time because I had my finger burnt by the enflamed methylated spirit. All Kristine's and Belinda's fault. Kristine got her part of the hurt as well. Belinda just laughed. Lydia was lecturing the kiddies. I was cursing like a kid who's just learnt how much attention saying 'f*ck' gets.

This was the result of half an hour through the demonstration. Copper sulphate, which produces a green colour, copper nitrate, a blue flame, and magnesium sulphate, purplish under dim light, produces a sort of 4 toned flame consistind of white, green, blue and orange at the tips. This has alot of crappy long explaination but I shant go into it.

I burnt my finger severely that day, and my finger still has a the lymph under the skin. Very yucky. It's like a water bag under my skin. I think I'll burst it later. Hmm... Gross...

This is probably how far I go for now. Next time I'll include a chatbox and a visitor counter. I hope there are no haters. If there are, screw you kids.

Have a nice life.

Cuz I Don't Believe In You Anymore.

Perfectionista Incarnato.

My mom is a perfectionist.

Why? Don't ask me, she just is. Not that I totally am proud of it, sometimes it's a complete drag. She complains about others when she really doesn't do much of a mistake when it's her turn. But when she does, she will NEVER admit to being wrong. Even when I'm right about something which she thinks she knows better, she will not say anything or admit.

The other night at her workplace, a mother of an ex-classmate of mine in primary school apparently embarassed her asking for a donation for the tsunami. That person sucks according to my moms story anyway. Very egotistical woman who is very into donations and whatnot. I hope she loses her bank account. Right now I'm on my mom's side of defence. Not that it woulden't change if I heard the other side of the story. There's always two sides to one. But I won't listen to that fat cow's explaination anyway. I don't even know her son anymore, he's an *sshole too.

Updated: My mom just blasted me off for reminding her about having my picture taken in the studio. She's so tense and hyper all the damn time. I hate her this way. She's so perfect doing everything else but useless in keeping her mentality in control. Always complaining about everybody else when no one can complain about her. So perfect? Guess not quite.

Sien. I'm so freaking sien of everyone. I'm not perfect but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to hate everyone at this point of time.

I think I'll take up smoking if this doesn't end. This freaking hate feeling towards everyone's habits. Maybe I'll take drinking up as well. Give me something to relieve me. Anything. No drugs, too expensive and dirty.

Sien.
Sien.
Sien.
Sien.
Sien.

F*ck you all. F*ck everything.

Bloody Credit-Card-Personal-Relations Twits.

They're so persistent aren't they? You say no, you don't want to listen to what they have to say, but they keep pushing and pushing, it's so pissyf*ck.

Went to the PC Fair at the indoor stadium to look around, maybe find some cheap steals. Didn't find crap. The webcams were expensive. Even the cheapest was RM80. Fine, maybe not RM80, but RM79.99, which is just as equivalent. Moron.

Asked father if I could get a new handphone, he did not directly agree. All I know is, my reasoning is legitimate and unrebutable. A good camphone will be sort of like a 3-in-1 sort of thing, mp4+digicam+phone. What more can I ask for? Not very much.

I will be taking many pictures once I get my phone. Then this blog will flourish and I will rule the world. Hah. Hahahahah.

I went with Kristine to the tennis association tennis court. Was really good 20 minutes spent there. The players were hot and sexy and sweaty. Very nice to view. The adult were a problem. They oversweated and were fat and greasy looking. One smelled very bad when he walked by us. Hmm. I want to be a sexy tennis player too. But seriously, tennis is like, the second most sexiest sport in the world apart from umm, I discussed this with Kristine, it was umm, urr, oh, I know, pole dancing! Woo! o_o" swtz jor.

I want to play tennis! I want to be sexy tennis player with really sexy tennis player legs and disproportionate arms. Woo! Really ba, tennis sexy gua. :'(

End of transmission.

p/s: Pictures will come soon. Hopefully. :)

I failed again.

I failed to be understanding.

I failed to love the right way.

I failed to ask for forgiveness.

I will never find myself someone who loves me for who I am.

I will never be able to understand the feelings of another.

I will always think I am right, in doing so I lose the people I love greatly.

All I can say is that...



I feel empty.



What's the use, he'll never look or talk to me the same way ever again. I might as well just give up and cry. I said so many times to myself that no one is worth crying for except my parents and grandma. I was very wrong. He took away my dignity, and I'm letting him do it, all because I want him to myself, no matter how hurt I get. Someone tell me, is this love?

Love is an illusion anyway. Always has been. We all imagine it to be something more. All it is is a special connection between two people. Special... It used to be special, I guess only I found it that way. He said he likes me, I like him too. Though I don't feel it anymore. It's all my fault. I made a crack in this relationship and it slowly got bigger till I fell too deeply in.

What is wrong with me? I'm so nasty and don't realise it. I always thought my good side was better compared to most, and it would neuter my defection. I have to be nicer. I need to think of other peoples' feelings. I need to get my priorities straight. God, help me become a better person.

I'm sorry to all my Art side friends that I insulted all Art side students as a whole. I meant to refer to those useless students. I never meant to hurt your feelings, especially Cathrine. You might not be a close friend as compared from before, but you're still my friend. I'm sorry.

I think I'm going to fail SPM because of all this emotional disturbance. To think I thought I would be immune to this damn occurance. Apparently not. You stole my heart and kept it in a beautiful cage. I cannot say I hate it. I cannot say I hate you. I like you, in fact. Very much so. Why?

I conclude my post with this very over-centimental line:

I'd rather have bad times with you, than have good times with someone else...

It's a summary of everything I feel right now.

Sincerely Yours,
Joe Y

I Should Get A Life. Soon.

I burnt my finger doing THIS during the science fair held in our school this morning in conjunction with our Maths and Science Week. My finger now has lymph, a liquid formed under the outermost skin layer because it has been damaged, by heat in this case. Kristine had her thigh near to her knee burnt as well, though we are fine. I'm having difficulty writing though. I wonder if Kristine is having difficulty sitting down or shitting. That would be a b*tch, huh?

I'm not very happy with 'him' right now. I'm going to write in numbers again.
This is why:
1. Doesn't reply Friendster messages. AT ALL.
2. Didn't call after coming back, thought will use same excuse: 'No credit'.
3. He told me he spent RM20 on some stupid gameshow. Contrast to point 2.
4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Doesn't care about me anymore.

Yah. Am pretty pissed.

No mood to type anymore. Damn methylated spirit and it's volatility and flamability.

Praying I Don't Get Misdirected.

Just chatted with a guy studying in KL. Very disturbing chat. Yet enlightening and interesting. Turns out he's queer too. Just my luck, huh?

Why are most KL guys gay or partially gay. It's strange. Or maybe I just have that kind of luck. Maybe.

Its not as if I don't have my limits you know. I won't go there during the prefect trip and have a one night stand. I won't. I won't. Really. Maybe. I don't know. Hmm. NO. Yes? I should stop now.

I uprooted a few topics about this gay phenomenon I'm facing. Must be a phase. Or not. I hope it is. I want to compare my children and say they are far smarter and more better looking than my friends' kids. Seriously. They will be.

Anyways, I suppose I should keep all this to myself, but hey, that's what some of you have noticed right? Thanks for all those who told me in MSN the next day and say you all don't mind. It's very strange indeed for me to admit now. As I think it was and maybe still is, a better idea not to expose myself now.

What if my parents find out you ask? Well, I'm just going to say it's just a phase, I'll probably snap out of it once I hit 18 or 19. But isn't that the most horniest age you ask? 'So what' is my answer. I just hope I don't get raped in college or uni. That would be traumatizing. I guess.

Spoke with someone's ex too. She's doing fine. Agree's with me when I say gay guys make better friends than straight guys as we they are more fun to be around with, especially for girls. At least you won't have to worry about getting crushed on or need to break up right? I mean, I'm in no way trying to discriminate straight guys for being lousy friends for girls(or maybe I am), but, umm, urr, ya... Maybe I don't have a point for that, but you get my point.

Mummy is getting me 2 pairs(doesn't pair mean 2? So if I get 2 pairs means 4?) 2 Levi's Jeans. Now, this might not mean much to some of you ah-beng type people, but to me, it is a rite to maturity, a sense of having something that costs alot to be able to be worn. Yes. To put it simply, I just like Levi's. I've been wearing Bum all my life, and it is seriously comfortable, but when I put on my first pair Levi's I said to myself, "Screw Bum, I'm sticking to Levi's till I die". Yah. They're really good. All the rich people who can afford to buy them anytime they want would know. I'm getting 2 from the U.S. as a present from my mummy as an early birthday present. Finally a pair 2 Levi's for me. That makes 4 in total, including the 2 my mummy passed to me because she says she's grown too skinny to wear. For your info, I'm size 28 and they fit me just fine. I'm now very worried for my mummy's health.

I don't care what Belinda or Kristine says about how 'cool' my mom looks the other night while we were having dinner at Sun City. Her hair is just so.. so.. so.... FRIZZY. Oh my gawd, like seriously, she used to have really long black hair and looked like Demi Moore, but now, she looks like she's been electrocuted, 99 times. I wish she would let me cut her hair because I woulden't do anything so it'll grow longer. Oh the pain. And she bought this really nice pai-.. LEVI'S from the SS2 store in town. I love the clothing there. But oh gosh, the prices. How I long to spend thousands on that store alone. I would drive away a happy bi boy. But you gotta love retail. :)

Moving on, I really hope none of you readers get turned off by my sudden postings with homosexual content. It's just the way I am okay? It might be wrong to you, but I don't see anything about it in the Bible. Or maybe I just missed it out. Never really made the time to read it. Hmm. I'm not going to hell.

Joe Out.

Eventuality In Advance.

Might as well admit it now. I don't really think anyone reads my blog anyway.

If you have, you might have noticed I have been on an emotional roll in my posts. This is because I'm not involved in a normal relationship. I didn't imply the gender of the person I care for in any way, because it's not really a 'she'.

I'm bi.

That's right. I'm not so sure myself, but all I know is, I feel the same for some guys as I do for some girls. It's kind of weird to most people, I know. But I just don't feel there is a need for me to keep it a secret for so long. It is who I am after all. If my friends were really my friends, they would accept me for who I am. I haven't told this to a few of my closest, because I would think they woulden't really take it very well. I don't know. I just feel like I'm in a blender.

This guy I like, I will not say who, is a really great guy. He has his faults, just like anyone else. He makes me smile, and makes me frown, sometimes feel like punching the wall, though I woulden't, because it will kind of hurt. Anyways, I do like him, but I don't really see myself getting involved in gay marriage. That's just too much. Who's going to give birth to the baby?

On a serious note, I don't really like myself this way either. Sometimes I feel that I was given the wrong hormones/pheromones upon birth, though everyone says God doesn't make mistakes and the such. But really, the hormone part is understandable, if you know the difference between hormones and pheromones. Pheromones is because everyone is starting to turn gay to me. Recently two of my friends(now complete useless sex crazed *ssholes), have become somewhat of gay people. They know who they are. Let me just release my tension.

X messaged my boyfriend(I know it sounds weird, okay, so just f*ck up) on Friendster. Y added my boyfriend on Friendster AND Msn. I mean, who tries to steal your boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back? To add to that, they are both guys. Seriously,

COME ON LA.

*ssholes.

So desperated to get f*cked. Trying to make excuses like they don't know anything or they didn't know it was him that I showed them. It's not as if I don't get how the typical homosexual acts. Especially teenages gays. I'm bi, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't know either way. Let's get this straight(oh my gosh, so ironic, no?), I may apply heterosexual implications:

1. You look at someones profile on Friendster because of 4 main reasons:
a. You recognize them as old/new friends and want to add them.
b. You are pathetic and add as many people as you possibly can.
c. You want to know them better so as to start a possible relationship.
d. You think they are hot and sexy and want to have sex with them.
2. You wait for the relationship to worsen, then swoop in for the kill.
3. You want 1 person as a back up just in case you get rejected by the person you really like.
This doesn't apply to straight people:
1. If you find a guy attractive, you are afraid to approach him because of the possible rejection and embarassment that news will spread that you are gay.
2. When you know someone is confirmed to be gay, you are less likely to be shy about getting to know the person more, especially if the guy is a friend of a friend.
3. Gay people are not easy to find, so you immediately try to snatch the nearest one you can find once he's available.
4. Most homosexuals are sex crazy. They constantly think about sex or having sex. Remember, males get sexually stimulated very easily.
5. 1 to 4 applies to most homosexuals, not all. Mostly teens, are they are very horny.

This is my main implications about Friendster and gay people. As usual, I'm probably 99.9% right. My apologies if you find this totally immoral, but what I have said is just basic human psychology. By the way, may I remind you that X and Y are still *ssholes? Very horny *ssholes indeed. Both of them should just have sex in the teacher's toilet. Ya.

In my defence, I did not approach this guy. He messaged me first. We sent a few messages in Friendster. Traded Msn addresses. Gave him my handphone number. He called the same night. We talked. He said a few things that made me smile. Things started from then on.

It's not easy having this kind of relationship. He's not even here. Typing this I already feel broken hearted, sorry to say to all you anti-gays. I don't know why, but I really feel for this person. I think I always will. I never thought it would get this bad. I don't like it either. I wish everyday that I could just forget this guy or if I never met him at all. Sometimes though, I wish I could just hug him. Sorry.

It hurts to be in a distance relationship. You don't get to touch them, feel their breath on your face as they talk close to you, hold your hand when you have something to say, eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together, all those things. You know? And I don't mean for guy-guy relationships only. I'm sure all you 'normal' people understand. It really hurts like shit and at times feels like heaven.

I'm sorry to everyone who expected more from me. I guess I coulden't control myself. He's so special, I can't even start to explain how. He's just... amazing.

Can I say this is love? I don't know. Someone explain to me.

End of transmission.