I Only Feel... Empty. Only Empty...

Why is it that everytime I try to make it better, it gets worse in some other way. Is it so hard to get some attention? I seriously need to find someone else. I don't care if he reads this, it's obvious I should. If he won't give me attention, I'll find someone else who will. Why do I have to be the one who cares where he goes or what he's doing, when he doesn't even give a crap about me? Because I like him. That's why. And I effing hate it.

He's either going to Beijing or the U.S. pretty soon. I don't know what I can do about it, because there's nothing to think about, it's his education. He promised to meet before going off, but I think that's just a load of bullsh*t, coming from him. I should probably give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to anymore. Expectation will surely manifest itself to disappointment. It happened before. Many times. But I just keep hanging on. Stupidly.

'Beautiful Pretender'. Very directly suits him I guess. Even drinking water I think of him. The late phone calls at night, the embarassingly cute MMS', his nudges on MSN, gosh, how it makes me sound so homo, yet I don't care. I miss those times, and I know there is no chance of it happening again. December will be the month I will treasure compared to any other time of the year, even my birthday in May. How much am I putting on the betting table, knowing full well I'm going to make a 100% confirmed loss? Alot.

He says I should stop taking this to heart. How can I not? He can't say he hasn't felt this before. No one can. It's just a feeling that you think there's a little bit more left, something to save the relationship before it disappears, just like that. To put it plainly, you want to hang on as long as you can, even though it hurts, just as a way to make you think you don't want to regret losing what you already have, even if it's really nothing much. Hanging on. Just to feel something when there's nothing else to feel.

Read an article about self-mutilation yesterday in the newspaper, so-called hurting one's self. I can totally relate to one of the lines in the reasons why they hurt themselves; they rather feel hurt on the outside than the inside. I'm not saying I want to slit my wrist or anything, though it seems like a good reason for attention, but I'm not that kind of person, I can't even stand the sight of blood.

I need someone else in my life. Someone else to talk to about these things. Yet I don't want to feel for another person the way I feel for this one. Too troublesome. And I don't want to feel bad ever again. Damn *sshole. Rargghhh. Sh*tty ppl die.

So emo. So emo. So emo. I'm turning emo. It's disgusting and stupid. Rawrrrr.

I don't feel like posting anymore. Damn idiot. I hope he falls into the toilet. ...but doesn't hurt himself... ARGH. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT. Y