I Arrived Back From The Post-Mortem...

... To celebrate with beer and get drunk and have random sex.

I feel better these days. It's not as if he hates me right? Nah, hopefully he would still want to be friends. He did say he owes me tuition. After all, straight A1 student. Go figure.

Either way, it's the end of week 1 of my 2nd semester exam, and 1 week more to go. Let's see what I have left. Modern maths, english, malay, history, pjk, and addmaths. How frightening, addmaths. At least this time it's on the last day, would be deathly relieved after it's done.

Speaking of deathly, the new Harry Potter book is coming soon. Wonder if it's thick enough to smash stuff. Nothing beats the almighty Bible though. Can even crush the sh*t out of devils and dark things, you know? Ya.

Am feeling less empty now that I have someone new in my life. Hopefully it doesn't go downhill from here like with 'you know who'. Haih. I can't like him, yet I can't say I hate him either. We're destined to be friends. Who cares about a relationship. All I need is a good friend to turn to. At least it gives me an excuse to why he ignores me alot. I'm ignoring him too anyway. It's either I don't want to be the first one talking again, or I just don't want to find another reason to why he sucks so much. Beautiful Liar. So suiting, really.

I mean, it's bad enough I label people names, but they make sense. He's beautiful in a sense he's.. well, good looking, he's nice, and bla-bla-bla, BUT, when it all comes down to it, he's so full of excuses and stuff. Makes me wonder where the hell is he going to study if he keeps making up excuses to why his homework isn't finished. I thought he was a full-blown bookworm nerd, and though he partly is, he's still a last-minute person. That's a fact.

But I don't mind though. As long as he stays in my life as a friend, I'm happy. No more lover, can't stand him that way. He's just not the type. But am I? Don't know. Seems to me I easily crush on people. Worried for myself nowadays. Erm, screw you anyway if you think you can get away with it, because I pray you either get Severe Erectile Dysfunction or Attained Vaginal Infection.

As always though, I leave Blogger with peace at mind.

F*ck all you players.

...Take Ur Broke *ss Home~ Lalala...

Addicted to Fergie's Glamorous.
I don't know what's the turn on for me, but I think it's the intense spellings, you know?

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S yea~
Omfg, so gay. Lolololol.

Me thinks Fergie loves her english. "Hi, you b*tches might know me for my ultra sexy videos and near-exposed clitorati, but I'm F-E-R-G-Y. Yea, that's my N-A-E-M, yo. Hey, b*tches, where's my S-H-A-M-P-A-I-N? Come on!"

Lalala, if you ain't got no money bring your broke *ss home~ G-L-A-SHIT!

So addictive. Weird. I should really do my addmaths now. Oh gawd, I hate mathematics so much, in any form. I even hate calculating 27+19. Unless of course, I have a chance to get rewarded for my effort. In which case, is totally nil.

Let's see, I have my BM workbook, PM kerja khusus, +M3 modal paper, and EST essay to finish up by tomorrow. Able to complete? Like hell I am.

Life sucks.

Another Feud For The Record.

Ever experience something when you know you've given that special someone so much, and recieve just a small fraction of what you would have expected back? And that no-so-special person feels obligated that they have given you enough, or at least an equivalent? Bullsh*t.

In my opinion, they have no right to judge what we think is enough, because we know we've given them more than they asked for, sometimes not asking for anything back. We give for what we think they are worth.

Is it our fault we expect more? Is it not human nature to want something more?

"More love, more alcohol, more everything. More is better."
- Meridith Gray , Gray's Anatomy -

You can't say you don't want more from the relationship.

The bad thing about this is that, when you know you've given too little or nothing at all, you wish you hadn't or risk losing the one you love. Maybe I haven't been giving the best I can give, but I damn well know I've given more than I should.

Emosity, is my new word to describe everything I feel everyday. When I wake up in the morning, I only think of one person. You can guess who. Coming back from school, the first thing I do before taking a shower is check my phone for any messages, only to find nothing, only the occasional 'good morning' once a week if I'm lucky. Throughout the day I wait, so as to not seem desperate, waiting for a 'spontaneous' message on my phone. Through the night I wait, and this is what I get, "Hi, juz finish studying. Wat r u doing? Do ur homework d? Going to go sit for sat tmr. Miss u le, mwaks." Bullsh*t. Obligatory bullsh*t.

Thinking about it makes me want to throw my phone at his sorry face.

I have no mood at all to type anymore. He ruined my day. Without even trying.

Thank you.

It's Hurting Again. Someone Help Me.

I've been thinking...

This sense of reprieval I'm feeling. I seriously don't know why I'm putting up with it.

He's not worth any of it.

Not anymore.

You think that, when you get that little spark, it will grow into a forest fire. In the end, all fires die out, don't they?

Lacking oxygen.
Drowned by water.
Snuffed out with dust.
Nothing left for it to burn.

Time.

I can't walk in this land we call the 'Relationship' anymore.
Each step I try to make, I hear the depressing sounds of pieces burnt.
Everytime I put my foot down, and swore to myself that it doesn't hurt anymore,
The ever-existant embers of yesterday make me cringe in pain.
Whenever you speak, the wind blows, dust and ash smother me relentlessly.
So long as I am alive, I can still see, the land is dark and lifeless.

Leave Me Now, My Beautiful Liar.
For I Have Loved You So. Y

Can't Feel Something It Won't...

Emo again. Eat your heart out, moron. You know who you are. *sniff*



Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't


I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Fly Away Before I F*cking Crush You. FLY DAMN YOU!

I don't know why I have this weird inner rage now. First emo gush, now inner-depressive-rage. Wow, I shall call it, IDR! Woot, hail Shrink Joe y'all. Daym.

Omfg, I feel so disoriented. So many feelings. I'm confused. It's like... It's like...

Chocolate or Vanilla milkshake?

I don't know what that means, really, but at least it's a post. Well, sort of. I guess.

FINE. I suck at this.

You Won, So What? It Was Just The Flair.

Went to SMK Agama.
Debate finals between my school, SMK St. Joseph, and SMK Chung Hua.
SMK Chung Hua won.
Their points were repetitive.
Did not make sense in the long run.
They were all 1 year senior to our debateurs.
They sent putrid glances.
I feel disgusted.
Judges suck.
They should burn in hell because they don't even know the rules.
Burn and die, ugly fugly bugly judges.

Die.

I Only Feel... Empty. Only Empty...

Why is it that everytime I try to make it better, it gets worse in some other way. Is it so hard to get some attention? I seriously need to find someone else. I don't care if he reads this, it's obvious I should. If he won't give me attention, I'll find someone else who will. Why do I have to be the one who cares where he goes or what he's doing, when he doesn't even give a crap about me? Because I like him. That's why. And I effing hate it.

He's either going to Beijing or the U.S. pretty soon. I don't know what I can do about it, because there's nothing to think about, it's his education. He promised to meet before going off, but I think that's just a load of bullsh*t, coming from him. I should probably give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to anymore. Expectation will surely manifest itself to disappointment. It happened before. Many times. But I just keep hanging on. Stupidly.

'Beautiful Pretender'. Very directly suits him I guess. Even drinking water I think of him. The late phone calls at night, the embarassingly cute MMS', his nudges on MSN, gosh, how it makes me sound so homo, yet I don't care. I miss those times, and I know there is no chance of it happening again. December will be the month I will treasure compared to any other time of the year, even my birthday in May. How much am I putting on the betting table, knowing full well I'm going to make a 100% confirmed loss? Alot.

He says I should stop taking this to heart. How can I not? He can't say he hasn't felt this before. No one can. It's just a feeling that you think there's a little bit more left, something to save the relationship before it disappears, just like that. To put it plainly, you want to hang on as long as you can, even though it hurts, just as a way to make you think you don't want to regret losing what you already have, even if it's really nothing much. Hanging on. Just to feel something when there's nothing else to feel.

Read an article about self-mutilation yesterday in the newspaper, so-called hurting one's self. I can totally relate to one of the lines in the reasons why they hurt themselves; they rather feel hurt on the outside than the inside. I'm not saying I want to slit my wrist or anything, though it seems like a good reason for attention, but I'm not that kind of person, I can't even stand the sight of blood.

I need someone else in my life. Someone else to talk to about these things. Yet I don't want to feel for another person the way I feel for this one. Too troublesome. And I don't want to feel bad ever again. Damn *sshole. Rargghhh. Sh*tty ppl die.

So emo. So emo. So emo. I'm turning emo. It's disgusting and stupid. Rawrrrr.

I don't feel like posting anymore. Damn idiot. I hope he falls into the toilet. ...but doesn't hurt himself... ARGH. DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT. Y

Of Chicken Wings and Carwashes.

Kind of tired right now. This morning had a preffie thingie with the juniors to raise money for seniors to go to KL. Yes, we are still defiant. I must go I mean, we must go. Because KL is nice and has many things to see.

I just want to go to see him...

...ANYWAY, we raised around RM1500+ or something around that figure, not that bad, can probably put 7-8 preffies through to the aeroplane. I had the job of frying chicken wings with Lydia and Sharon. They were okay in the earnings, the profit was acceptional, considering our capital was RM100. Raised RM300+ on chicken wings on the second bag. The figure raised on the first bag remains unknown due to the fact the money bags were emptied into the overall money box.

Qhadzrool sold burgers 2 days in a row, today and yesterday. Their earnings were good too I guess, but all in all, the earnings were enough to cover the cost and still have enough left over for the preffie fund. Kind of happy about that. Finally something we did right.

After a little frying for a few hours, Lydia and I decided to ditch the oily job for something more 'cleaner'. Or so it seemed. I got wet by Miss Annie of the school band. She's so random and, how shall I say it, full of surprises? Me thinks that's the reason the band took her to be their teacher in charge. We washed her car for RM10 and 4 other small cars for the same price. We raised RM100 from the carwash after being paid RM50 for washing Mr. Marcus' car. Mind you, it was a Land Cruiser. Huge. It had all these black spot things that seemed like tar or bug crap. We also had a problem with the hose and water supply. But all in all, I guess we earned the money for the effort we put in.

I hope we get to go to KL. I really do.

:(

Tennis Is Sexy.

I'm going to be playing with Kristine, Belinda and Yong Kian Lik at the tennis court this coming Wednesday. Can't wait. I seem like such a damn noob all of a sudden. Hmm.

Just looking at the racquets make me all tingly inside. As I can remember, I used to play 8-9 years ago and was quite exceptional considering I could whack back a tennis ball served by adults(my parents). I lost alot of weight that time. We played once a week for a few months, till my mom's membership got terminated by her b*tch friend who thought her husband was cheating on her for my mom. So paranoid. If she's ugly, use that as an excuse la, now Marriot hotel, once Rihga, expects RM2000 as a deposit for membership. We don't have that kind of money NOW. That b*tch.

Anyways, we'll be having private coaching I suppose, and we don't know who the coach is. I just hope he's not very bossy and fat at the same time, like Mr. Patrick 'Starfish'.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, there was a kebaibaian of Miss Catherine as she is going to retire. I'm 16, coming to 17 mind you, and she was 40 when I was born, meaning she's 56 this year. Dotz. I know what you're thinking. Anyways, the whole assembly was hosted by the prefects, juniors and seniors. It went okay, but the whole thing was laggy as usual. Didn't manage to complete everything.

I just got a text message from Theresa a while ago, saying that all prefects must be present in school from morning till 8pm in the evening. I was so damn shocked. What is the itinerary that makes us have to stay till that late? I doubt many of our parents would let us. And I'm effing frying chicken wings tomorrow. My beautiful pimpless(note: pimpLESS) face... I hope my pores don't get clogged up. Oh, I sound so gay there. What? WHAT?

Anyways, I think I want to stop now, this posting thing is so damn tedious. Duh.

Oh My God.

When I thought life coulden't get more worse, THIS had to happen. I have so many damn flaws. Squinty China eyes, thin upper lip, four wide frontal teeth, oddly shaped nose, and weird hair. This is my senior photo for the school magazine at the end of the year. I think I look a little femme. Great. Just great. I will never be super ultra sexy hawt. :( Another reason for suicide. Hurray.

Just looking at the picture make me look depressed, even if it has already been edited. God, squinty eyes? RECESSIVE ALLELE PLZ. Argh!! It's all my dad's fault. Why did HE have to get 'mata sepet'? Grr. Waste of my mom's genes. Waste waste waste. So waste.

What's more, I don't have either brain. Their level of common sense is just too much it's so damn annoying. Zzzz.

DAMN CHINA EYES!!!!!

Finally, More Pictures.

I suppose you might be surprised there's actually some colour in this latest post. I'm amazed I'm not lazy to take picture's from Ko. Hah. Anyways, here's a picture of my team mates and me during the science fair.

As you can see, or not, from the left is Kristine, Belinda, Lydia, and Me. The picture is kind of edited, because we had flaws. Who doesn't? Kristine had the most anyway, her face had spots everwhere. Oops. :x

I was not very happy at the time because I had my finger burnt by the enflamed methylated spirit. All Kristine's and Belinda's fault. Kristine got her part of the hurt as well. Belinda just laughed. Lydia was lecturing the kiddies. I was cursing like a kid who's just learnt how much attention saying 'f*ck' gets.

This was the result of half an hour through the demonstration. Copper sulphate, which produces a green colour, copper nitrate, a blue flame, and magnesium sulphate, purplish under dim light, produces a sort of 4 toned flame consistind of white, green, blue and orange at the tips. This has alot of crappy long explaination but I shant go into it.

I burnt my finger severely that day, and my finger still has a the lymph under the skin. Very yucky. It's like a water bag under my skin. I think I'll burst it later. Hmm... Gross...

This is probably how far I go for now. Next time I'll include a chatbox and a visitor counter. I hope there are no haters. If there are, screw you kids.

Have a nice life.