Where Are You?

I didn't think it would feel this bad ...
.

... I thought you would have forgiven me by now ...

.

... Seems I don't know you the way I thought I did

.

... You said you still wanted to be friends ...

.

I thought that would be better before ...

.

... Yet you did not like it when I said so ...

.

... You confuse me with your own games

.

... But you blame me for your own confusion ...

.

Please forgive me, whatever I did ...

.

You confuse me. I miss you.

Murder After Rebirth.

This is for you, my Phantasmic Crush.

...

You took away again,

what I thought would be;

Something we would treasure,

something we could remember,

something you can't ignore,

something you won't let go.

...

I was wrong,

it's all over now.

All I have are memories,

floating in my mind.

They taunt me,

I cannot stand it.

I feel disoriented,

I feel lost in the past.

Of what was,

of what could have been.

Gone with the wind,

as the old prairie saying goes.

Sweet memories,

but that's all they are.

...

Memories of You.

...

I wish to have you back,

doubt it would happen.

What I want,

will not be.

I must accept the facts,

before I drown in static wait.

I will not cry,

Thou not worthy.

You stabbed me, my angel,

with beautiful lies of yesterday.

The auger you hold,

it pierces my frozen heart.

I cannot forgive you,

although I do.

...

I miss you, my dear,

my Phantasmic Crush.

...

Like a silhouette,

you hide when I approach.

Like a mirage,

what is irresistable, unattainable.

You bruised me,

without even trying.

I resist your enticing whispers,

asking for my attention.

Maybe it was an illusion,

you were one weren't you?

Just come back,

I'll wait even if you don't.

...

My Phantasmic Crush,

Forgive me,

For I have loved you so.

---

...Loving A Sweet Illusion

Drown Myself In Alcohol.

Last night was actually my parent's anniversary but both of them forgot till the next day due to the presence of my mother's mother-in-law a.k.a father's mother. We brought her to Sun City for dinner. The food was better than before, but not good enough to say it was value for money. Far from it. The service is still crap and the new waiters and waitresses are fucking stupid. Who says study is not important? *hint*

This was what I had. I prefer western food over chinese anytime. I don't know why. It must be not reaching for food whenever you want to put something in your mouth. So much more convenient because I like to eat with one hand. Peculiar.

This is my Beef Strogonoff. It's probably German. It sounds German. Anyways, my camphone's flash is screwed, I know. Either way, my food was still good. *drool*

Then, after dinner, my mom decided to reward herself for a week of cooking non-stop for my grandmother from Kuching. She had a Margarita and a Martini. I drank quite alot from it too. It made me happy. :)

1st is the Margarita and 2nd would be Martini. Contrary to what my mother told me, Martinis are not sweet. They are gin-based and taste like water but with that alcoholic aftertaste. It's not my type of thing, because I prefer more tasty drinks. Margarita was great though. Had salty, sweet, sour, and bitter in that particular order. Uumph. I'm definitely going to drink when I get older. I can't not. If you've noticed on the Margarita, that first sip ruined the salt rim. My fault, sorry. I told my mom I wanted to order a Pantie Dropper on my next birthday. FYI, it's a drink.

This picture actually screams to me the word, 'Satisfaction'. Inspiring, no? And I don't smoke. It was just there. I swear. :)

Drinking makes people happy. I can understand now. :)

Passion Revisited.

It really comes to no surprise when I tell myself I don't blog much anymore. I think I should. Life is so stressful these days, with studies and extra-curricular activities and whatnot. Not to mention my track record of failed relationships. It sucks to be a schoolboy. It sucks even more to be a schoolboy having to deal with school affairs. Nevertheless, I find it to be enlightening and a good experience for my future.

Who the hell am I kidding? I'm feeling tired everyday, my metabolism is screwed, I'm confused between what's logic and 'not'. How can someone cope with all this responsibility all in one go? I shall list down all my burdens at this point of time. Well, only in school. The rest is pretty much fucked up. Let's see;

1. Drama Club
2. Magazine Club
3. Prefect Board
4. Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia (SPM, duh)
5. My Own Screwed, Crappy, Inferior, Troubled, Oneself (MOSCITO, if you don't get it, screw off).

So, for drama, it's pretty much 'dramatic', as it's expected to be. I found out today that I'm the supposed 'director/stage manager' on the fateful day of the competition. Hurray. Not. I bet David must be thinking 'What The Fuck' right about now. Yes, I'm also thinking 'What The Fuck'. What makes things worse is that this year, they will have a 'Best Director' award for whoever does the role justice. Knowing this fact, of course I will try to get it, I mean, why the hell not? I will beg Mr. Charlton to attempt to find the requisites and marking scheme to how those queer judges 'judge' us all. Though, I will admit now, that I will probably cry if I don't get it, because when I try my hardest to get something, and fail, it's pretty shitty for my self-esteem, I have to say. I know that the band has experienced this kind of shit before, and I don't want to be the next person who does. I want to be the best director among all the other 10 competing schools, because I worked shitfuck for this and I am not fucking going to give this fucking award away to some fucking undeserving asshole who sucks up to the judges. No fucking way.

As for the other four, I'll deal with it some other time. Drama is just 2 weeks away. I'm going to work all my people like dogs and feed them cat poop. My neighbour has many cats. I will ask them to put them in a plastic bag for me. Did you know faeces has much undigested nutrients? Or is it just for plants? Who cares. They'll be the ones finding out if anything sprouts out their butts. Wuahahaha. Sorry guys, but it's all or nothing.

Peace, bitches.

My Lover for the Weekend.

This is just for you.

(Not Beautiful Liar)

...

I bite my pencil,

words yet to be seen.

I continue,

around damped voices.

I keep silent,

waiting for revelation.

I scribble,

upon faceless paper.

My pencil,

it dances in a sonata.

Beauty in words,

only by your name.

I think of you,

even when I don't.

...

Like a drug,

I never seem to have enough.

I'm feverish,

sick of being away from you.

Why is it,

I try to love again?

When I was hurt,

I should have learnt from the pain.

I resist the inevitable,

that I will never see you.

Fate is not merciful,

for one as sinful as I.

Would things be as different,

if I hope for the better?

...

I scribble your name,

with hearts in black.

Graphite Love,

it sounds inexistant.

Like our future,

it is dark.

I see no silver lining,

I reach for my pen.

I line your name with red,

like the blood from my heart.

...

You have slaughtered my freedom,

You have caged my heart.

I feel no regret,

for you are the one I love.

...

Forgive me, my lover.

For I have loved you so.

---

...unGraphite Lover Y

We Crashed The Mall, Not Very Well.

It was one of those days I just had to go to Parkson to finish up the drama script, though in fact I could finish two in a day. I suppose I'm just too lazy again. I rewrote everything because I wasn't satisfied though. But back to the 3rd of June, here are just some random pics.



I mean, you'd think we'd be going to Coffee Bean everyday and eating those over-priced salads and crap when we have the money to buy these as-crappy things just the same right? I don't know, maybe it's just that Malaysian mentality that's telling us not to eat that Caesar Salad. Maybe. Still, don't you think that the quality of food in these fast-food outlets have become a little lax? They all look like crap when you're not hungry. I forgot to mention, all the girls here are single and available. I have their phone numbers. Ask me if you want them. Though I am not liable for any losses in I.Q. level and fluctuation in general ego. TQ.

I mean, take the supposed 'chicken' nuggets for example, they are tasteless and look like puppy shit. I heard somewhere that the factories bleach the meat using some 'edible' chemical, so that they can use the excuse that its 'chicken' breast meat and is actually very healthy. Last time I checked one of their nutritional value leaflets, it was 2nd highest in calorific value compared with the double cheese burger. Sometimes I even doubt the burger patties are even real meat. Doesn't hell taste like beef in my opinion. Don't you agree?



And the chips suck. Why shoestring potato chips? Aren't crinkle cut better? Come on you corporate people of McDonald's, the potato is a sacred source of uneccessary carbohydrates. Why oh why?



Look at my porridge, you mix it up and it looks like this. Looking back, I think those pieces of 'chicken' were not really chicken. Frightening shit right there. And the pepper doesn't taste like pepper. More like PAPER. HAHAHAHA. Not funny, but I'm making a point that it tastes like paper. Because paper is tasteless. How do I know? Because.



Look, I offered Grace a nugget and she got all 'get your bitch hands away from me'. Well, not really, but she did eat it though. Kristine went on a diet and ate 1 chip and 2 sips of my Pepsi. Well, not really, she picked pieces off my fried chicken, which tasted like real, generic, fattened, farm chicken. Paulina didn't care. She is all woman. I wonder where did Sarah go. Maybe she ran away after she saw how shitty the nuggets came out. Puppy shit. Hehehehe.

Oh, come see some pictures I took of my church. It's not very exciting, but it's still pictures right? Heheh...



My dad is the one with the white head. Just some extra info. Don't know what for, but hey, it's the era of infomation technology? I should probably stop now. The design isn't really nice and modern, but it really hits home when the choir starts to sing and everyone else joins in. Holy crap, I'm turning emo-religious now. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!



We came a LITTLE early the other day. But looking at this picture, ya, church is kind of like a home away from home. Though I dislike the particular priests' sermons. He's so long-winded. There goes my religious emosity. *flaps away*

Some days were good. Alot of days could be better. Most days are never perfect. But you've got to live each day to the fullest. You've only got yourself to care about in the end.

Y God Loves You.

Pillows Drenched, I Close My Eyes.

Not quite.

I spent last night talking with someone for almost 3 and a half hours. Come to think of it, I have never talked on the phone so long with anyone in my life before. Not even him. My ears hurt after that, but we cleared things up about my relationship, cross that, relationship that never was.

I would imagine, couples everywhere saying things like, "I will love you forever," or "I will never leave you." But as quoted from Brother Cedric;

Cedric says:
no, becuz i don't believe in second chance
Cedric says:
once a person makes a mistake, he is forever sinned
Cedric says:
that is my concept

Intimidating, I will admit. But I guess there is a point to it all if I believe such a thing too. Though, it's hard. Really is, if you think of someone and wonder what they are doing at that point in time.

I guess I'm fine though. I have a few people who are really worth my time. He used to call every night, then it turned to an occassion, then once in a very blue moon, and now, never. He uses the excuse that I don't want to talk with him. Doubt so. You never tried, you never know.

I want to post another emo post. It's really a way to express my feelings or disappointment towards that sorry person who calls himself 'smart'. Smart but not in uni yet I have to say. Very fussy fellow. As if he has someone to stay for back here. Me? Hahaha~ Funny. It's probably some older guy who's fucked him before. Who cares.

I suppose I'll try to write an emo thing like before. It really amazes me how the two words, 'Beautiful Liar' suits him so much. Guess I'm really that grey-eyed. Hehe.

Wiie Aall Lyiik Shoppiinkz Lorxx!! Hahaxx!!

Damn, so scary la talk like that. Went out again today. Same place. Parkson. Had lunch at Pizza Hut. So disgustingly oily. Uck, I still feel the oils in my pancreas, unable to be broken down as it is lardy fats. Ick. Hmm, Ick Uck Ick. Sounds like song la. Hmm. Ick Uck Ick. Uck Uck Ick Ick. Fuck, I'm stupid because of the fats.

Anyway, the day started off badly at Pustaka Miri as we got no work done in the end. Zzz.



Sarah: "Haiya, just call them lah."
Grace: "Fine. Ya, hey, are you coming?"



Grace: "Haa? Cannot come ar? Okay then... Ya, it's okay, we'll find a way to deal with it. Yea, okay. Sure. No problem la. Really. K. Bye."
Sarah: "Not coming huh."
Grace: "F**K"

This was actually an amazing picture taken by ME, when we were walking on the way to Parkson. To me, it looks like some fashion advertisement. Grace was advertising a phone and giving you that shecksi look, and Sarah as though standing on level ground, but was electrifyingly active as though dancing due to the fact her clothes and bag were damn fashiony. Holy shit, I'm so inspired. Damn~



Cathrine: "Please please please!! Can we join you to makan??"
Sarah: "Pssh, fine."
Cathrine: "Yay! Wow, this soup very nice la!"
Sarah: "Shadap and eat before we change our mind."

I coulden't actually take any bad pics of Cathrine today. That was the best I could do I guess. Zzz.

Alright, the first pic was the usual escalator pic I like to take, just for the fun of it. Also because Sarah wants more glam pics of herself. Duh. The second is self-explanatory. We also hid away from Cathrine and the other guy. The third is also self-explanatory, though I will explain again what it means. It means that St. Jo girls are super shecksi, and the guys aren't so much(exclude me). Paulina then went fishing for bags, while the other 3 modelled with models. Look at their happy faces ya? Duh.

Oh, look what we found while we were at the women's clothing section.


WOW~ Nah, not really interested. Though we did find a few things to use it for. No, we did not hump it.



Cathrine: "Yea, we totally pwned her ass."
Sarah: "I want her legs, makes me look taller."

Yeah... Okay. It was funny though. :) These two pictures were funny too, we just took them for fun. Some kind of soft-core porn for people who fantasize about nurses! Omg, totally my idea you know. Hehehe.



This is good stuff right here! Hahahaha~~~~~ Right, after having a snack at McD's...

We went down the escalators one last time... and...






SOLD SARAH AND GRACE FOR RM 4!!!!!



THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D



Hope you liked my post. Took me fucken long to finish it.

McDonald's, Thou Art Our Provider.

A bid good-bye from Samuel, as we got off the bus, forever NOT missing him.

Frantically running up the moving escalator, they did not hesitate to push aside and openly showed their aggression towards the inhabitants of Parkson. Hunger propelling them to act as such, the three barbari-... Holy crap, is that guy putting his hand on another guy's hip? I didn't notice that until now. Really. MOVING ON...

Crudely constructing a monument in the name of the almighty one; Mr. McDonald the Clown.

As quickly as we constructed it, it was desecrated by unholy beings. We were deeply saddened by the occurance. Following this, we decided to investigate what or who were the culprit.

NO!!! Poleecus!!! How doth thou doeth such vile thingie!!! SOB SOB SOB!!!

Grace: "OMFG, this is so damn stupid!! I think I have some pepper in my nose too~!!"
Lydia: "AHAHAHA!! St.Jo rocks!! And I think this white stuff is more like flour~!!"

Random pics of the day:

Yeah. It doesn't mean anything. Really. Really.

"You sure you wanna buy these oils? What are they For actually? *sniff* Fuck, it smells so bad. Calming effect? Bullshit."

The End.

Pretentious Piece of Pig Shit.

Look who was obligated enough to ask where I was going for the prefect trip?
Him.

Who kept asking when was my birthday and apparently forgot it was today?
Him.

Who gave me the highest expectations in being the only person to remember?
Him.

Who dissapointed me again for the 182716629319738th time?
Him.

It's not as if I still want recognition of being who I was to him before, but what I'm asking isn't much. He did ask me around 4 times in my life. You think he would be smart enough to write it on the calendar or put a reminder in his phone, seeing as that he got straight A1's, you'd really think he was smarter than that. Somehow, I'm doubting he's genuinely smart apart from academically. Or maybe he's not really that smart at all. Who knows, he's faked every other thing. Crapper.

My birthday started off well in midnight, with a long call from someone far away, and a few SMS's from dear Jessica, whom I had feelings for before that jack-ass came into my life. I will now screw all the censors. They both waited till midnight to tell me happy birthday, better than any of my other 'friends'. But I don't really care about my 'friends', as long as I have Jessica, 'Yinny-poo', I'm fine. I wonder how would life be without her, although she's not near, she's the only person I know for sure I can run to, apart from someone else, but that's not even an equivalent. Wish she was my neighbour. Life would be so much better. And as expected, no call or SMS from the retard.

I took a whole lot of pictures today on my phone, but I guess the damn USB port thing isn't working. I can't access my phone. I guess I'll do it tomorrow. Today was an okay day. Nothing special. But why am I complaining right? I'm not that special either.

My mom PROMISED to have a barbeque at home. She PROMISED. Not that I'm sobby about it, but when you say you PROMISE, you try you best to do it. But now she's all captivated by the work she calls 'Sun City's Operation Run Nicely'. Or, S.C.O.R.N(tee-hee-hee, cool ya? Zzz). Everyone's so easily occupied these days. Though, I have to hand it to her, she did get me 2 Levi's jeans from the U.S. Even if, they are for Fat American McDonald's Double-Cheese Gobblers, or F.A.M.D.D.C.G(fine, I didn't have an obvious term for it). I don't have the fucking thighs to fit those damnation jeans. Shit.

I will post up pictures from my day out of today, tomorrow. If you didn't get that, what I meant to say is that I will post pictures I took today, tomorrow, which is not today. As it is tomorrow. Tomorrow cannot be today, therefore I will not post today, but tomorrow, because tomorrow is not today.

Screw birthdays, they only give way to disappointment from loved ones.

Thought of My Pretty Fucked Pretty Fucked Day:
~ To that very special retarded person, I hope you fall in the toilet and flush yourself down the drain. Have a nice life finding another 17 year old's life to fuck up. Bitch. ~

You Can Tell I'm Bored. Everyone Can.

So, what do you do, when you have copious ammounts of torn paper, a notebook with a boring cover, paintbrushes, glue, water, mango juice, and 5 toes?

You make something.

This is PVA glue mixed with a little water. That stick thing is actually a brush. Can you believe it? Wow.Okay, it looks like crap now...

Still looks like crap.Okay, maybe this wasn't so good. But my previous was better. The one I made for grace aint so bad either. I'll ask her for a pic of it just for the vanities.
This is my pride and joy black book. Below is a stripped book without its cover I now use for paper wastage during addmaths calculating. It's not so dirty because I barely use it. HAH. Anyway, I'll probably never use it though Grace has as her sort-of diary. Too bad I didn't attach some kind of tracking device in it so I can steal it when I ninja up her house. Sadness.

I sort of miss someone too. Don't know why. It's that *bzzt* feeling that's not there anymore.

*sigh*

Just Like Any Other Day...

Woke up around 11 a.m, feeling like crap. Eyes blurry, I reached over for my -new- phone. Took a snap of the sky outside, just to show you how hot the day was going to be.

Kind of symbolic isn't it, this picture? A beautiful world outside, full of flowers, singing birds and whatever crap mother nature just plops there for you, and you're stuck inside, caged. Bullsh*t, I love my bed and air-conditioning. Keep me inside anytime.

Walked downstairs, opened the fridge to find anything to eat. A thought came into my mind that other peoples' fridges smell very bad and mine doesn't. Would like to show you why. Just for the sake of showing a picture taken from my -new- phone.


FYI, I love mango juice? That white thing in the plastic bag is a coconut. Coconut milk juice water nice. The Guiness is my mom's. She likes it. She likes drinking. She drinks everyday now. One confirmed reason my life is not perfect. Mm-hmm. I hope people tell her she has a drinking problem, then she gets drunk because she feels embarassed, then when she's sober she'll complain to me about how everyone is so mean, then I'll finally have a reason to say, "You're drinking because people tell you you have a drinking problem, right? Do you want another drink?"

It's official, I will resort to drinking and smoking when I get older to cope with my stress, if I get any, which is probably inevitable, due to my screwed up life thus far. Thank you, fate.